Ellen's Life Chapter 2 - Detour

Today is May 9, 2011. I began this journey as Ellen's Life 2010, not knowing what road I'd be on in 2011. Finally the long road that I began to take back in October has come to a detour. Here is the beginning of Chapter 2.

Results of the PET Scan came today and it was the first time that Doctor Hottie didn't see me cry. I guess it's because I went in very prepared and asking God and Father Seelos to give me the strength to handle whatever news he had. In My heart I knew it would be more than I wanted to deal with, but at the same time I had this overwhelming feeling of trust and peace in God that whatever way my road turned next, it was where I was supposed to be.

The tumor in my lung is shrinking. Started at 3.6 cm and is now under 2 cm. This is great news. The bad news is that there is a tumor in the spine which is causing all the pain in my back. This tumor can be treated with radiation and can be cured - so I will be meeting with the doctor who will be doing the radiation sometime this week. We will schedule to do radiation 5 days a week for 3-4 weeks so approx. 15-20 radiation treatments on my spine. When that is done I will go on maintenance chemo for the lung in the hopes that we can actually get rid of the lung tumor as well. He doesn't usually try to go that far with these types of tumors because the patient can't handle it. But he feels like I did so well with the full treatment, and the tumor shrunk way beyond his expectations that he thinks we may have a chance to pull this off. So I will get 2 meds. 1 med once a month and the other twice a month for 6-10 months. Now the kicker... he is putting me out on leave during radiation. 30 days minimum. The radiation will cause more pain than I have now and then as the tumor is eaten up, the pain will subside. On top of that fatigue again. So since I played Super Woman for the past 8 months, he said I have no choice anymore. He wants me stress free and resting during radiation so that I can come back and kick ass during chemo. I didn't even argue.

I was a bit bummed out over the spine, but like he said, it's on the spine not in the bone. So if I had to pick one it is where I want it. I know I can handle radiation and I sure as heck can handle the chemo. We will do a scan 90 days after radiation starts to see how spine looks.

If it were not for my back pain, I would feel great. I am doing well and remain very positive. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers and couldn't get through any of this if it weren't for all of your prayers. I am not wonder woman and yes I have had my moments off and on, but on a whole I really have done well.

Some interesting opportunities have come up since I have become diagnosed and it amazes me how God works sometimes. Since being diagnosed and creating a blog with my story and updates on Face Book, I have met so many people who have been diagnosed with cancer or who have had loved ones diagnosed. I have had strangers ask me to pray to father Seelos for their loved ones. I have mailed out over 40 blessed relic scapulars and have had every prayer answered. I have over 21 people on my prayer list and every one of them has been placed in remission and is cancer free or they are going through treatment and are doing quite well. Others have been in car accidents and had brain injuries miraculously healed. Only one person remains in serious condition that is on my list, and we have accepted God's will for him. I was also asked to speak at the Relay for Life here in Bay St Louis a few weeks ago. In the past I have spoken as a survivor of cancer. This year I spoke as a CANCER WARRIOR, for their Fight Back Campaign. As I left the stage, there was a line of 15 or so people waiting to speak to me and thank me for be "an inspiration". I have never been so humbled in all my life. That reaction from the crowd triggered the head of that Relay to request that I consider becoming a speaker for the American Cancer Society. we are waiting on word, but if they offer me the opportunity I would be speaking to people about my experience and how to Fight Back. This would be a great honor. And just as God does he didn't stop there. I am meeting with someone from the cancer center in Slidell soon to discuss heading up a new support group there. Again another chance to encourage people to fight, and to never give up hope.

Those of you who were able to attend the fundraiser held at Lakeview Harbor will remember 2 young men, Elliot Bowser and Bennie Fulkerson, who donated some artwork made of steel. It was an outline of the city of NOLA. Elliot Bowser, the artsist is fast becoming one of New Orleans greatest young artist. He contacted me recently about starting a series of art works based off of a design a friend and I created for my Ellen's Angels. We came up with Angels Wings surrounding cause ribbons such as a pink ribbon for breast cancer or a yellow ribbon for our military. The idea was for me to market and I would receive a portion of the sales. The moment I agreed and began to post on Face Book, I received several orders. It could not have happened at a better time, since I will be going out on leave of absence and it will be an unpaid leave. These sales will help to supplement my income. 

My point here is that God has given me great challenges in my life, but at the same time great opportunities have come about because of these challenges. My Mother taught me along time ago, that you don't question God, you listen to him. She taught me to stay positive, because Satan brings negative and to allow negative into your thoughts was allowing Satan into them as well. Mom is right as usual. I have tried to stay positive, focus on God and what he is telling me and appreciate all of the wonderful gifts I have received through out my illness. The good have certainly outweighed the bad. If I have learned one thing thru this whole mess, it is that my faith was in need of renewal and that God's plan for us is always bigger than what we can see. I have been blessed to meet so many amazing people and help complete strangers get thru the most difficult time in their lives, to have my Mom and my family and friends support me and renew their own beliefs and to be touched by Father Seelos all because of my illness is worth it. To stand in church last weekend with my MOM and POP and sister and my family, and hold hands during the Lord's prayer for the first time ever with my POP was a huge moment for me. I think for the first time in a very long time my own sister actually understands the meaning of true faith and prayer. And for this I am forever grateful. To live your life without faith is to live a very empty life. I am not telling you who to pray to or what to pray for. I am not an expert on prayer by any means. I am still human and I make horrible mistakes. I sometimes hurt people unintentionally, or perhaps tell a little white lie so that I don't hurt someones feelings. I get mad at my children or Wayne and say things I don't always mean. I am very human and I sin. But, I know that God forgives me. I know that the minute I ask, or even before the words reach my lips I am forgiven. But, I believe we still have to ask for it. And most of all I believe we should be thankful for we are forgiven. I want to be a better person each day. This experience has taught me that it is possible to do this. I start every day thanking God for giving me a new day and ask him to guide me to do good, and to allow me the opportunity to introduce at least one person to Father Seelos. Throughout the day as little things happen, I say a prayer of thanks. Or perhaps, when I find myself doubting what I am doing, I ask to be placed back on the right road. At the end of each day I say a prayer of thanks for whatever happened that day. And then I pray that tomorrow will bring me closer to being healed, and that any challenges God gives me will be understood and taken care of. I don't want to go to heaven and stand before God with any regrets. I want to be able to tell him, that I tried my best to be good, to be faithful to him and to my myself. A year ago, being a better person never entered my mind. A year ago, I lived on auto pilot, focusing on work and my family. I shamefully admit, that I don't even think I prayed every day, but really only when I thought I needed to. YES, it took a scare like this to get me back on track. When I gave this illness to God, I didn't just say, "here you deal with it, like you said you would." What I said was, "Lord, in your own words you ask me to  give you my troubles and have faith in you. I am asking that you take this disease and the challenges you have given me, and do as you see fit. Allow me to understand this new journey and to do good with my life in your name. I trust in you and know that whatever road you have placed me on, will lead me straight to you. I know in the past I have ignored your calling, and I have failed you in many ways. But, I know those things have been forgiven and you have greater plans for me. Allow me to do whatever it is you need me to do, and I will do it with a loving heart."   When people tell me that I am special, that I inspire, that I have helped them. It is a gift from God to hear these things. But, honestly I am not any different than any of you. We are all special. We all inspire one another. We all make a difference in each others lives. WHEN we listen to God and try to be better. WHEN we share with each other what God has given us. WHEN we love each other like God has asked us to do. If for whatever reason this detour I am now on, makes people feel better, gives them encouragement, gives them a renewed sense of faith - it is because of God not me. I am simply his messenger, sharing the gift she has given me.

I ask each of you to really reflect on where you are in your life right now. What is it that you can do to be a better person? What can you do to make someone feel better today? What is it that you can say to others to help them through a rough time? What would God want you to do today, to make someone smile? When is the last time you asked God to help you to become a better person, and then actually listened to him? These are not things I can help you with - this is between you and God. But, I do know this much, when we are placed on an unfamiliar road and we seem to be going in circles, sometimes it really is better to stop and ask for directions and instead of being mad because of the detour, be thankful for it. Slow down and reflect on what it is that God is trying to show us and once we "get it" I promise he will put you on a scenic route filled with opportunity to help others, and to make others happy and to make you a better person.

I know today is a big detour for me and my family. But, I truly felt like a ton of bricks came off my shoulders today. I feel blessed because the outcome could have been totally different. I hear what God is telling me, I feel Father Seelos sitting in the passenger seat, and I have a full tank of gas. Buckle up! And let's see where this detour is taking us......