Saturday, April 2, 2011

My personal assistant - GOD

I have so much going on I sometimes feel a little lost in it all. I like to stay busy, always have, but, it seems like Gods plan for me is really starting to take over now. I don't mind, really I don't, but it amazes me how GOD has intentionally brought me one person after the other in perfect timing, almost as if they each had a scheduled appointment. I was talking to a friend the other day and she made a comment about me going and going and going non stop. She said, "Ellen how do you do it? How on earth do you deal with everything you are going through and still have time to work and on top of that do all the stuff you do?" I automatically answered her without even thinking about it, "Since January, God has kept me so busy praying and worrying about so many people -I don't have time to worry about me, but that's the thing, I'm not supposed to. I gave all of my illness and worry and fear to God when I got diagnosed. It's his place to take care of me. He obviously would rather me help others and since he seems to be my personal assistant he is keeping me busy as he sees fit." It's funny because as fast as I spit out those words, I busted out laughing - GOD my personal assistant! I could picture for a moment me in this great big beautiful office with a corner view of course, great big desk and all. And my personal assistant seated at a table, white robe and all going over my day planner. Can you imagine? LOL....

The best part of everything is that just when you least expect another great surprise there it is. We all know the old saying, "God works in mysterious ways", well lately he has really been focused on me. Everything that God schedules to take place in my life seems to involve Fr Seelos. Every time I turn around, he "God" has another gift for me. For example, if you go back to the first or second post I ever wrote here I tell the story of my first treatment. On the way I got a text from Mom. she was not happy she couldn't be with me for the treatment and t comfort me she sent a text that read something along the lines of , don't worry, i love you - I am with you, Fr Seelos is holding your right hand and I am holding your left. well when I arrived for treatment and went to sit down at a seat i didn't want to sit in, there on the table to my right was a prayer card of Fr Seelos. Well my chemo nurse SUSAN was there. I remember showing her the text and i remember how emotional i was. I don't remember really what her reaction was though. Anyway, Susan is amazing. She and I clicked the moment we met. I never knew what it was, but i knew I liked being with her. I feel safe I guess when she is there for my treatments. So back to "mysterious ways". Susan has been with me since the beginning of my diagnosis. She is a great support system and I have emailed her on several occasions with questions late at night. Well after all these months, 6 full treatments and all the visits, this week she and I had a chance to talk when I went in for one of my shots. She asked about my staph infection and I showed her it was all clear. Then I showed her two rashes that I have. I explained that I thought it may be a chemical reaction to metal. One rash is where the safety pin is for my Fr Seelos scapular (pinned to my bra) and the other is on my stomach by my belly button where my button for my jeans rubs. She agreed and said it sounded like it made sense, and then grabbed my arm and asked who was on my bracelet. (I have worn this black bracelet since January, it never comes off) I said, "oh that is my Fr Seelos" and before I could say anything else she began to tell me how much she loved Fr Seeolos and how she came to know of him and she went on and on. Well, my mouth just kinda flopped open in awe. here I was again, experiencing someone that I absolutely adored, and admired, talk about Fr Seelos. I interrupted her and said, "are you kidding me? all this time, all these months and now you mention him? I can't believe as much as I talk about him here, you never told me you knew who he was or that you loved him so much?" Susan looked right back at me and said, "I had no idea you did." My response back - "well I am so happy, this is just amazing cause I knew there was a reason I felt so close to you and I think it may be because of him." We hugged and laughed about it and by the end of our conversation I invited her along and we had made plans on attending the upcoming Fr Seelos healing mass in May. I could not wait to share other things with her about my healing. And I did. We visited for at least 45 minutes and i loved every minute of it. Susan is a special woman, and the day I met her I knew that. I am so blessed to have her in my life, not only as a nurse and caregiver, but as  friend and now a sister who shares with me a love for Fr Seelos.

Also, this past week a new friend came into my life. She sent me a friend request on FB and I accepted not really paying much mind to if I knew her or not. Then she sent me a private message saying that she didn't know me, but had heard my story (gee now I had a "story") I was almost afraid to ask about that, then she told me her own story and our friendship began. I wont go onto great detail right now, its not time yet. But I will say this, thru writing each other back and forth (she was just diagnosed with cancer in January) I felt that the only thing that could possibly turn her away from me would be how much I talk about my faith. From some of her writings, I had a feeling that we were at different places in our lives when it came to faith, God and other spiritual things. I didn't mind at all, but I was afraid of 'offending her".  Over two or three nights we sent each other notes and got to know each others stories and come to find out share a few friends - even from childhood. I was glad to see this because I was trying to find something that would make her a little more open to me and what I wanted her to start doing. This past week much of her writings were not pleasant. To be extremely honest, she was just down right pissed off about her whole situation. Last night I prayed for her because it really bothered me that she was 4 months into her cancer and was still 'pissed". I Prayed that God and fr Seelos would soften her heart so that it would be open to the love all around her. I prayed she would be able to let go of the anger and just 'let God" do what he had to do for her. I actually told her something along that line in a private message. I think what i said was - at least we have the option of receiving chemo. As evil "she had referred to chemo as being evil" as the chemo is - it's part of her healing and bottom line is not everyone with Cancer gets that option to be healed. Well tonight when I signed on, I saw her status and when I read it, I cried. I knew my prayers from last night were answered. There is no more pity party cancer victim - I dont know what changed her mind, what she saw, heard or felt to change it. But I know that the girl who posted tonight is not the person who posted the night before. she is strong and beautiful and loved. And I also know this. God is keeping me busy, Fr Seelos has had his own workload increase because of me referring people to him everyday. I am glad to be doing this. I am blessed to have been chosen to do it. If God and Fr Seelos want me to share whats in my heart and share my experiences with others in order for them to to do better with their own illnesses and experiences, then his will be done. As far as I am concerned, I hope and pray that I have this job for the rest of my life and that as long as I do - God is my personal assistant never leaving my side.

Before I go for the night I need to share this as well:
  • Janell is done with chemo and is cancer free - her benefit is tomorrow night and I cant wait to have a great time with her as we celebrate her life!
  • My friend Merri Lee, she is half way through her treatments now and doc told her that by the time she does her last one in JUNE she will be cancer free! Amen
  • My friend Gwyn is doing well with her treatments. She is a great woman that I just adore. she still has a long road with treatment, but after seeing doctors at MD Anderson who agreed that the treatments are what they would have done, they also told her that after running all the tests, she is cancer free. Another AMEN
  • Austin Fath - the young man who suffered the brain injury and walked out of the hospital in 6 weeks astounding all of us needs you to keep him in your prayers once more. He is scheduled for surgery to repair the part of the skull that was removed to stop the swelling of his brain. Surgery is April 5th.
  • Katie Branson - the little girl who has been in the hospital for months after a sudden collapse a home  is still in need of our prayers. She has made some improvement but also has had some setbacks. Her mother Michelle is one of the most special people that I have ever met. Well we haven't met except for face book, but reading her posts and notes everyday just makes me want to be a better Mother and a better Christian. She is phenomenal. Please pray for her continued strength.
Love Ellen