ME

I am starting this blog thanks to my friend Sue who shared her Sister-in-law Janelle's Blog with me a few weeks ago. Janelle is also a friend of mine and I was so upset when I heard about her having the "C" word. I read her blog and instead of crying like I thought I would, I was laughing my ass off astounded by her sense of humor. She is an amazing woman and I love her!

I am sharing the link to this blog with my closest friends so that 1. I don't have to repeat myself over 20 times each day, and 2. I can express myself at any hour of the day or night (I am up at 4:30 am every morning for some reason) and I won't have to interrupt your day or wake you in the night to hear me feel sorry for myself. (even though I know none of you would mind)

Some of you I have known for over 20 years (ouch), and some just a few,so let me just put my life into one small paragraph to get everyone on the same page. At the age of 15 I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Disease, I went through surgery and radiation treatments,no chemo. The radiation they used then (25 years ago) was a direct radiation which caused my skin on my neck to burn terribly and I did loose some hair on my lower part of my head from the ears down. Nothing to humiliating as I just let my hair grow to cover it up some. Most of you know the story so I am not going to relive it. I was told then by my doctor that I would be at greater risk of other cancers later in life such as breast cancer, thyroid, lung and uterine cancer. At the time my great surgeon used extra precaution on my ovaries and surgically tacked them behind my womb to try and protect them from the radiation so that I may one day have children. Even with this extra precaution he said I only had about a 15% chance but it was better than frying my eggs and having no chance at all. Dont let me fool you that time in my life was extremely difficult. I was 15 and I had cancer. My poor Mother, what she went through. I cant even imagine the pain she experienced. It was hard on all of us. I didnt want her to know how terrified I was or how sick I sometimes felt and I tried to hide it by playing the strong, positive, "nothings gonna get me down" role. And she did the same thing acting confident and strong. Neither one us wanted to see each other cry. I guess now looking back at it, she must have been confiding in my Mi Mi (her Mother). Me on the other hand, Ionly had one or two friends that I confided in (Sandra & Ryan). I knew I could be me in front of them and they didnt care. Other friends didn't really "get it" or were afraid of "it". Well after a hard,long road filled with secret tears, some painful tests, and lots and lots of prayer I went into REMISSION, every cancer patients dream word.

As the months and years pass you become more and more thankful for your health. I was a normal teenager again who wanted to be Madonna. I drove a cool car, had a great family, good friends etc.... no worries.... In 1992 I got married and Dr. Browns little tacking of the ovaries worked and God gave me 3 beautiful, healthy babies. Through my 20's and 30's everything was great, no real health worries except one. I did have my thyroid removed due to a tumor caused by the radiation I had had so many years before. Thank God it was benign. I was looking forward to turning 40 - I thought it would be the best decade of my life. I looked good, I felt good, my family was all healthy, I was ready! Then I turned 41 and my life has once again been turned upside down and inside out.

Approximately the second week of August I began to have some back pain,kind of where you would hurt if you were having a kidney infection. I had gone to my chiropractor for about 2 weeks thinking I had either hurt myself moving furniture a few weeks before or hurt my back going down a waterslide (yeah I know, don't even go there). My chiropractor took a few xrays and didnt see any kidney stones but felt I should go and see a medical doctor. Well I went and did what I had to do. The pain began to increase and I was prescribed Hydrocodone. They knock me out pretty good. For 3 weeks my life consisted of doctors, pain pills and sleeping. I couldn't do anything but lay there. I was miserable. Finally I went to a back specialist who told me as 2 other doctors had that there was some fluid on my lung and he felt that the pain I was experiencing was from that fluid. He walked me out of his office sending me directly to a pulmonary specialist, Dr Dale. After much researching and testing (ultrasounds, CT Scans,PET Scans etc...) it has been determined that I have LUNG CANCER. I won;t lie just writing those words, reading them, saying them in my mind ughhhh it makes my stomach turn, and I want to throw up. Don't ask me what kind, what stage, etc... they don't know. My oncologist basically said Lung Cancer is Lung Cancer. There's more that I could go in to but I feel nauseated right now thinking of the details so perhaps a later time......

So here's the bottom line - CHEMO. 1 treatment every 3 weeks. Will lose my hair (not such a horrible thing - my hair sucks) and will have some nausea and lots of fatigue. This is a very aggressive chemo plan so he says. I have some positive things on my side, my age, no other health problems, no shortness of breath or other pulmonary issues. Now I just have to be strong and fight it head on. I can do that. After 13 weeks ( I think I have lost track) we finally get the real ballrolling TOMORROW. I am having one more biopsy done, some more fluid drained from the outer tissue of the lung, and my port is being put in. Next Week I start CHEMO. It's strange but I am so ready for this to start. I want to get this fight started, I am trying to be positive even though I keep breaking down. I think the tears are more frustration becasue it has taken so damn long to diagnose me. We could have started chemo weeks ago. I feel like time is everything. Remember not to waste time on stupid things like fighing with your spouse, or worrying about your perfectly clean house instead of going to your kids football practice. TIME is something we all have - it's how we choose to spend it that matters. That's a rant for another day.

So here's to the start of my new battle, but this time so much more is on the line. My Mother who has to go through this all over again, My Pop who I've never seen cry in over 20 years until now has to deal with this now too, my sister and brother, my inlaws and friends, my husband and most of all my children. I will fight for them. I want ot see graduations, and proms, and wedding gowns and baby showers. I want ot be a grandmother one day and spoil more babies. I have so much to live for and fight for that I cant stop thinking about it every second. Tomorrow is the first step - putting in the port. Next week begins the first treatment.

I have so many stories to share with you all that I will be blogging quite often. But before I go tonight I ask each of you to reach out and say a prayer to Father Seelos. He will be my guide through this journey and he will be healing me. In fact his healing has already begun. So please as you pray for me, thank him for healing me and ask him to please continue to heal me and take away my pain so that I can enjoy my life, my family, and my friends as much as possible.

Until next time......