Friday, August 5, 2011

Back to the drawing board

Well the Stereotactic radiosurgery did not do what we wanted it to do . I am so grateful that I had the chance to try it and yes I am disappointed by it. So its back to the drawing board and it looks like surgery is the best treatment for me. On this last visit to MDA I had the worse time. I am not complaining, but I want those reading this blog to understand that even though I try and remain positive I do have bad days and sometimes those days really run me down. I returned to MDA early (6 weeks post stereotactic) because I was having severe pain in my back, worse than before and I was having some trouble walking. After doing tests and seeing that it didn't work I was told that surgery would be the next step. So with surgery comes lots of tests. In two days I had a ct of chest, an xray of chest, blood work, an mri of the brain, a bone scan and a regular mri. since I was in so much pain and having trouble walking I spent the majority of my time in a wheelchair with Mom pushing me from one end of the hospital to another. Because I had so much back pain I am not able to sit up by myself. I kinda have to get on my side and roll and pull myself up. This is like someone cutting into my back above my hips and tearing me in two. It is so painful I cry. I would never wish my pain on anyone and asked God to take it as a penance for others pain. Anyone who has experienced constant pain knows that this can lead to depression as well. A part of me felt like I was going down that path but I refused to let myself do it. I can't get depressed because that just means I give up. Like my Mom said they could have sent me home saying there is nothing left to do. I am one of the lucky ones. So, now I have to wait for the neurosurgeon to call and schedule the surgery. The first time we met he mentioned taking the tumor out and then removing 2 of my vertebrae to rebuild them and put them back. He said the surgery is pretty intense. Well that's when we decided to try the non invasive stereotactic procedure first. Since then the MRI shows that the tumor did get just a little bit bigger, not much. But I now also have a compressed vertebrae that will need to be fixed. The blessing is that all the tests I had done show no cancer anywhere else, not even any suspicious areas. AND the tumor in the lung has shrunk even more since May. They don't even think I will need any further chemo after surgery unless something pops up or the lung gives me any trouble. Father Seelos, Saint Pio and Jesus and his Mother Mary are hearing our prayers and even though I couldn't see it, I was being healed. So I am home now and waiting for that call. Should be next week I guess. Am I scared - of course I am. It's natural to be scared of surgery. I am even more scared of the recovery because I know it will involve pain and discomfort. The past week has been really tough. Even though they doubled up on my pain patch I am now having muscle spasms in my back which make it difficult to walk. I had to borrow a wheelchair and Wayne had to buy me one of the walkers with a seat and wheels just so I can get around the house. When the spasm hits me it is so painful like a massive charllie horse and I draw up my right hip causing me to almost fall if I am standing. Its not only painful it is scary. I have been so patient and know everything is in God's time. whatever I am experiencing is for a reason I just don't know what reason. I am ready to get on with it and feel better. My doctor said that once the surgery is over I should be great. I wish it were tomorrow.

I want to thank all of you who have not stopped praying for me and for my family. My poor Mom had to take care of me in Houston and push that wheelchair around. I know she didn't care, she loves taking care of me, but at the same time I know it broke her heart to see me in so much pain and so helpless. I try to explain how I feel physically and can't so I get frustrated. I can't hide it from her, she knows when I am having a bad day. I love her and don't know what I would do without her. And my poor husband. He is trying to be here for me, work, take care of the kids (I can't do anything for them) and run this campaign. He was going to give up the campaign and I wont let him. There is no way I could let him give up his dream because of me. I would never forgive myself if he did that. I am so proud of him. I know he and I have not had a perfect marriage, no one does. But , I have never been more proud of him than I am now. He puts me first and I know it kills him to see me cry or ask for help. He knows how I am the one who takes care of everyone else. It's funny, just laying close to him as I fall asleep helps me feel better. Knowing he is there for me. I am so blessed. I am praying that this surgery is  success, that recovery goes fast, and that I am able to stand with him in November when he is elected Coroner. Nothing would make me happier. The rest of my family has been affected too. My kids, my Pop and my dad and my sister and brother, even my ex brother in law and nephews, my in laws. To be surrounded by so many people who love me and want me well. It means so much. I feel for people who have no one in their lives to turn to. I feel for those who don't know what love is. If you love someone and care for them please make sure they know it. Make sure you show them and tell them. It can make the difference in the way they heal. Love makes you want to fight and to live. Without love you don't have anything. And I am blessed to have so much love in my life, and that's what makes me fight everyday.

1 comment:

  1. Oh,My Precious Daughter,
    I'm sure you feel all the love I, and your family and friends have for you. It also keeps me strong and wanting to fight along with you as you climb these hurdles.
    I pray for you not to get depressed, it will only slow you down, ( you could never give up ) that's not allowed !!
    I know I'm a pain in the BUTT at times, asking you to explain how you feel, but I'm just trying to see what you are feeling. ( if you feel different then you did the day before). If your MEDS are helping. I guess it's just what MOM's do, Sorry. At times I beleive you worry more about me then about yourself.( and that's what you do, always trying to protect me, and stop me from worrying .) You are a Mother too and you know you can't stop me from worrying.
    Waiting for the surgery is driving me crazy, I just want it done (like yesterday).So you can be out of pain and back to your old self in no time. You will heal fast, cause you are young,and Jesus will see to it.
    By the way, I'm so proud of you, the way you have handeled all you've been thru. Most people couldn't be as strong as you have been. I'm proud that you have Jesus,Father Seelos and St.Pio and so many friends praying and pulling for you. I'm proud that you have gotten so many back to their faith and praying,including me.
    I promised to wear the bracelet from father Seelos Shrine for ever and never take it off.It's my promise for you to get well.
    I love you, Keep the Faith.